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A Story of the real me

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Well, it is that wonderful time of year again when the Christmas lights are up, gifts are being given, and my students are being taught "family life." Yeah, let me tell you, nothing says Christmas cheer like seeing a giant diagram of a penis! Maybe if there was a bow tied on it...Anyway, this year I get to teach the girls, which is a little different for me, I always have to teach the boys. I like doing the girls better, although, they are still looking at me with this horrified look on their faces every time a new picture is shown, even though they have all the same parts. I admit, I do laugh every time the word "penis" is said and roll my eyes when someone says "vagina" or as one of the kids said today "my vageena." They of course think it is way too funny that I laugh when Rose says penis, but they are all looking at me like they expect one to pop out any any moment, it's too funny! Tomorrow is the ultimate horror, the reproduction lesson when it will be very bluntly said how intercourse occurs. They commented on Monday that they were all disgusted that their parents had done this unthinkable thing, ewww, parents do it? Really? More than once? Who would have thought?! The nerve of those parents! :-p

Today I had to hunt down a tampon for demonstration, nothing like asking your co-workers if they have a tampon, making clear it is not for yourself bc you would never be so stupid as to not have one right? The office ladies also said that I should make it clear that you do not leave the plastic inside of yourself and that there are different types of these items. We have that down now I think. I have learned that some girls think that your vagina is where you pee from, that a boy's penis grows bc it has sperm in it and that penises themselves may or may not grow hair, and it might happen all over. I don't know about you, but I have not seen too many hair-covered weiners in my time. Then there was the question about whether or not boys might shave their private areas. Well, that may be their choice, as I have heard from others that this occurs, but would that not be a little, well, gross in that it would look weird like pre-manhood or something? The thought makes me cringe, and why do they want to know that? Of course, one of them asked me today what you should do if you got soap in your eyes, to which I said, "Wipe your eyes with a towel?"

The most revolting and horrific moment of the day however occured when I was out of the room. Apparently my adopted son, as he calls himself, came bounding back into the room and said, loudly, "Ms. Martin, is it normal to get that thing boys get at night that's not pee every night? Bc, I do." Holy Moses Jesus Mary and Joseph! I think I would have died on the spot. He is like my own kid,and as I have no real sons and no desire to think that my sweet little boy, who is rapidly becoming not a little boy, is obviously dreaming about untoward things. I would rather put glass in my ears than to hear this comment. Thankfully I was gone or he may have asked me which would have resulted in my face turning red and speaking in a high pitched voice followed by me running away. This happened to me several years ago when one of the boys asked me if sperm got in the mouth. I said "You have to ask your mother that!" and made for the door. Can't wait for tomorrow, I'm so glad that I am with the girls! At least they do not give high fives and cheer when I say the word "vagina." Yes, that really happened, yes it was horrible. The looks on their faces tomorrow however, will be priceless.
Current Mood:
amused amused
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So, the horror that is family life education is making it's way back into my life! It's time for mortification, dread, disgust and just outright humiliation! This week I will get to answer questions about sperm, wieners, why does sperm come out of wieners and what happens if it gets in your mouth. Mostly my answers will be "Go ask your mother!" or "Well, I am not allowed to answer that question, ask your dad!" This year is particularly horrible bc I have a great relationship with a large number of the boys in this class, they are like my own children, only not so our mutual horror at having to look at the picture of the giant penis on the screen will me almost immeasurable. Last year someone peed their pants during one lesson and the year before I got left alone in class for a day and every time I said the word "vagina" the boys gave high fives and cheered. They ended up in silent lunch for a week, but not before my complete and utter humiliation. They will write down all of the foul things they have heard on the school bus and from older kids and want to know if they are true. They will ask time and again if men can get pregnant thanks to Oprah and the pregnant man. They will want to know exactly why ejaculation happens, and no matter how many times you answer the question without really answering it they will keep pushing the point. They will bother you later about it. They will corner you in math and ask you about it. You will be reading a book and talking about a duck or some crap and they will ask you about it. God, please save me. Please know how much I loathe this week and wish that I could teach the girls. Please keep me from bursting into fits of laughter when we read the script about intercourse. Please keep me from vomiting on myself in front of the children when the first one opens their mouth to ask a question and says the word "erection." Please keep me sane. Ok? Thanks!
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Ok, we had fourth graders out of school this week for butt touching. Also for crotch grabbing and weiner whipper-outing. Seriously? 4th graders? What is wrong with these kids?
I just don't get it! In other news apparently I am the super duper teacher of the year bc I am teaching social studies in one fifth grade class, Tudor England of course, and boy are they into it. I hear every day from the pricipals about how wonderful I am. I think I could live with this for awhile! I am loving teaching the classes, it is sooooo much fun. If I get started I will never be quiet so I will stop there, but really, soooo much fun!
Current Mood:
cheerful cheerful
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Being a mom with depression is hard. It's hard for me, it's hard for my kid, and I'm sure it's hard for my husband. You know those commercials for antidepressants where the people sit on the couch with disinterest while the kids and dogs wait sadly by the door? Well that's pretty much how it is. Dead on. My kid has sooo much energy. All I want to do is sit on the couch. I don't want to move. I don't care if I get up, if I eat, if I sleep, I just don't care. If I didn't have to get out of bed in the morning I wouldn't. I have almost no interest in playing, all I want to do is nothing. Just nothing. I want to be alone and do nothing. It's not like this every day, just sometimes. I wonder if my kid is going to remember this, I wonder if it's always going to be like this. One day I will be able to explain. One day I will be able to say "it's not your fault" but now, today, I just want to do nothing. Tomorrow I go back to work, tomorrow will be better.
Current Mood:
depressed depressed
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The school year has not ended. We are still going every day. For two more weeks and one day. It is two long. The teachers and the kids, we need out of the cage! Those commercials where the old math teacher dude is blasting that song "School's out for the summer!" that is totally how it is too. After the kids leave every year there is loud music played over the intercom or some other inappropriate thing, cheering and carwheels in the hall, some people do splits and sing, and this is the teachers! Last year two kids dared to come back into the building after they left, mistake for them! No one was pleased to see them.

So far, in the past two weeks we have had to have the "You are getting a loose reputation" talk with a girl and the "we do not touch butts" talk with the boys. Following this more lewd actions took place and two boys were expelled. Teachers are boo-hooing and believe me, the fighting will start soon. There was a fist fight today, a flood in the bathroom and perpatrator was apprehended immediately. The girl fights have been on-going this year instead of only starting in the spring, the innappropriate "liking" of one another and too much touching has already started. Please, just wake me up when it's over. I have had half a bottle of rum in the past week alone. Straight from the bottle. A kid spelled "dogs"
d-o-g-e-s yesterday and I flipped my lid bc all he had to do was copy it from the book. This kid is 10. I cried bc my kids are being set up to fail by the new WIDA test. 11 more days of this...
Current Mood:
stressed stressed
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I'm so stressed today, all of my testing binders are due tomorrow and the kids are not done. I've never had the kids not be done this late in the game. I hate it hate it hate it. My husband is giving me a hard time over planning my birthday, I don't want to plan it I want him to just go ahead and do it already. My kid is being a total brat, she has thrown two huge fits in two days and I am screaming at her and I am sick of it I hate doing that. My shoulder is killing me and no amount of muscle relaxers is making me feel any better. I can't wait to get out of here next weekend.

On top of all of that I am so very sad today, who knows why. The insanity is coming, I can feel it, hear it whispering around me. Even writing is not giving release today. I can't even think of what I want to write today. I mostly just want to sit in the dark, maybe a few candles, read my book, cry and be left the hell alone.

Current Mood:
distressed distressed
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So, I wrote this blog about weird things that have happened to me lately and I meant every word of it. Sometimes I am seriously wondering if I am crazy. Not crazy like drooling idiot crazy, not crazy like serial killer angry crazy just like I know I don't belong here and I want to go home and I can't and omg how do I get back home when it doesn't even exist kind of crazy. Like I want out of here, now, yesteday, right now get me out of here this instant kind of crazy. Not like I want out of motherhood and away from my responsibilities or anything, not like this kind of crazy www.geggy.wordpress.com, not like I identify with Laura Brown crazy, just want out out out kind of crazy. Like I need to find myself in London or some other sort of place where I feel ok, like I am at home. Weird experiences, weird dreams I keep having, on top of that it's spring, spring makes me restless like you would not believe. Mostly I want to run out into the night air and hope a plane, where things would not really be any better except that I'd be where I knew I belonged. It's the when that's killing me. Can't fix the when, I'm stuck now. I decided last year, the later part of the year that you are doomed to repeat the same cycles in your life over and over until you get it right, but it's hard to get it right when it's been wrong over and over and over and even when you finally do get it right the fact that it was wrong soo many times, or even that one time it was so wrong still haunts you. Maybe it's not apparent or obvious to some people, but to some people I think it is glaringly obvious. Maybe that flies in the face of the Christian belief system but if you do as much reading as I do you know that it is a strong possiblity that reincarnation was left out of the christian bible during the council at nicea, where constantine and other leaders decided what would go into the bible and what would not, and who are they to decide? If you study Catharism or Jewish mysticisym you will find reincarnation is actually a vital part of their religion. Catharism appeals to me on so many levels. Christianity but that matches up with what I know about myself, notice I said know, not think. There, there you go, I said it. I KNOW I have been here before. I KNOW I lived in the 1520s-1530s and I KNOW I was either her or knew her because she means too much to me and shows up in too many aspects of my life to think otherwise. That in itself is crazy. But I don't care I am saying it. When I saw Natalie Dormer play her, it was like suddenly she was brought to life and it sort of crashed into me with a force like I have never felt that I knew her, I was looking at a friend, or myself, either way,someone I loved. And so it goes...Lance and I talk about it sometimes and he says he knows his soul is old too, always has known, we both have and we both felt like we have known each other forever and ever, or hey, 500 years or so anyway? Last night he was joking with his dad who was watching youtube and I said "See, everyone watches stuff on youtube, your dad watches robot videos and I watch Anne Boleyn videos. Neal said "But Anne Boleyn is dead" and Lance said "I can assure you that she is not, Anne Boleyn is alive and well, believe me." He was kidding, I wasnt. I know she is too. I spend most of my time trying to numb it out of me, I've found lots and lots of ways of doing this, but it's only temporary. I feel like I am waiting for something. Waiting, like time is almost up, something to do with this. I'm Iwaiting, waiting, waiting.... so for what it's worth I'm nuts, absolutely nuts, except I know I'm not.
Current Mood:
distressed distressed
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It's spring again, and spring always brings this huge flood of memories with it, not a trickle, not even a steady stream, it's like a huge wave flooding through my senses, the smells, the sounds, the sun, it always reminds me of springs and summers past. In particular is the spring of my sophmore year of college, the one where Grace was my friend, I lived in a 3rd floor apt. with Sam, and I was sure, so sure, I was in love with Lance, and I was. I remember walking to the video store and Baskin Robbins with Grace and finding a wounded crow, it's wing was hurt and it hated me, I turned it over and when we came back it was gone. I remember Gracie used to drive barefoot and she had a huge van and then a green saturn. I remember we would stop at 7-11 and get slurpies. Then later springs when Kris and I lived in Burkeshire and I would listen to Dashboard confessional as I went to sleep. Working at Lonestar, coming home late, and sleeping with that music. Always, every spring I go through this. I'm pretty sure I've written about it before, don't know if it was here or in my diary, but every spring I long for those parts of my past.
Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
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I just keep thinking that spring will come, I wish it would hurry up and come so I can feel alive again. This year I have noticed a marked difference between the way I feel when the sun is out and the way I feel when it isn't. Most of the time when it is not I feel like I could sleep all day and not wake up unless it was to eat. That is not any way to live, but I can't help it. I have started excercising so hopefully it helps. Yesterday I went and visited with a friend and we discussed our various mental difficulities and what drugs we are on and what we wish we were on and what each drug does or does not do and what else it does that it should not do. I think that sucks. I just wish I felt better so I did not have to be on drugs but then at the same time I don't really care bc I know it's good for me otherwise I am nuts. I know good and well I will have to be on crazy patrol for the rest of my life with myself. I'm tired. I need to go home and get out of here. Work makes me depressed when all I do is test and test and test. Boring. I need something. I don't know whata but i feel that someting is lacking. Just that grey emptiness that comes, or like Lori says, "What hurts really bad? Life." Yeah, sometimes it just sucks. Sucks with no reason. Blegh.
Current Mood:
bored bored
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First, before writing I must say that I miss my best friend and being silly, I need someone to be silly with right now for some reason!

Ok, on to the weird...So, for anyone who actually reads this blog you know I am obsessed, totally and completely with British and European history, but British more specifically. I have most recently ordered and Anne Boleyn sweatshirt/hoodie and an Anne Boleyn t-shirt, they are my new favorite clothing items and I wear them as often as possible. So, maybe you will think that what I am about to write is a result of this obsession and just my general tendencies towards madness in the first place, but I'm not this crazy. The first thing that happened didn't really surprise me, and I really didn't think much of it until after the other things happened. I got this costume to wear to the RenFest, just a cheap, red and black dress with French sleeves and a square cut neckline to emphasize my boobs naturally, and a collar in the back, which I really don't like but it's not out of place or anything. This dress is in the style of the 1530s, ala Anne Boleyn and her bringing of French fashions into the English court. Anyhow, I put on that dress and did my hair and looked in the mirror and suddenly I felt, for the first time ever, that I belonged. I belonged in this dress, in these types of dresses, this was me, it was the most amazing feeling, I was absolutely giddy with it. When I put my wool cape on to go with it into the chilly October air I knew I had found myself somewhere in this fabric. I bought a French hood that day at the fair and a snood and they are both also amazing and I feel quite at home with them on. I walked with purpose that day and fabulous courtly manners if I do say so myself, but the feeling and the visual of me in that dress was amazing.

So, this brings me to the second thing that happened. I was walking into Homegoods with my mom at Christmas time and the whole store was one big sparkly Christmas ornament and it smelled good and there was music playing. I look up at all of this red and green and gold in front of me and I suddenly get this flash, a flash of feeling and a flash of seeing in my head, the feeling of total elation and excitement, just pure joy and the thought, "It's Christmas, it's coming and I'm going to wear a red dress and there will be dancing and candles and music and in my head I can see a room, not the whole room, just a candle stand with candles and I am looking down at a burgundy full skirt, my skirt, and I am so anticipating this, and then I suddenly snap out of it and realize that no, I won't be wearing a red dress and there won't be dancing and there won't be candles and what is wrong with me and I am more than disappointed let me tell you.

The third thing that happened happened two days ago and I was telling Lance about it and I am so glad he never laughs at my crazy thoughts, because really, to someone who doesn't know me it sounds nuts, it sounds nuts to me too but oh well. So, I found this Tudor's video game on Yahoo games, it's a hidden object game and you play a spy trying to find clues to stolen documents or something. So I am thrilled and very excited and I download it and start playing. Part of this game takes place in France and I have the sound turned on and there is period music or whatever and all of a sudden the sound of guards walking down a hallway, perfectly in sync the way guards are comes on and I totally freaked, almost threw the computer I was so terrified. Just absolute stark raving terror. Then I thought, ok, this is dumb, it's just a sound effect. But the feeling got worse as the sound went on bc it came back every few seconds like the guards were marching a hallway or something. I had to turn the game off bc it bothered me so much and I havent' touched it since. Weird huh?

Then there is the matter of my dreams, which all seem to take place in a small town or something lately, just different parts of town and my brother and I are always running in my dreams, have been for years. We are running from someone, hiding, but looking for something too, but I don't know what. Always strange. I don't get it.
Current Mood:
confused confused
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